“I’m Not Crazy, I’m Confident”: Survivor Season Premiere

survivor
“Survivor” , CBS

Well, I hope you all have a bag of popcorn, your favorite candy, and a nice glass of water so you can have a few momentous spit takes while watching Wednesday night’s episode of Survivor.

Survivor has been on for a shocking 35 seasons, but for those who are unaware of the premise, here’s a quick summary: A group of strangers are dropped on an island with no food, no water, and quite frankly no hope for almost 40 days as they compete in reward challenges, immunity challenges, and vote each other out in the beloved Tribal Council. Along the way, there are potential opportunities to find Hidden Immunity Idols which can be used to negate votes at a Tribal Council.

This season’s focus is Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, with some familiar faces on the Heroes Tribe, including 1988 Olympian Katrina Radke and football cornerback Alan Ball (more on him later).

Episode 1 focuses on days one to three, and typically game play is slow moving at this stage. As made clear on tonight’s episode, this group of 18 players does not follow the unspoken Survivor rules. To be blunt, this cast is nuts. I don’t know where the production team found these people, but they sure did search high and low for some potentially psychotic contestants. Case in point: previously mentioned Alan made his tribe mate and alliance member JP LITERALLY TAKE OFF HIS UNDERWEAR in the middle of the night to prove that the man was not hiding a damn hidden immunity idol?!?!?! Alan, are you aware that the game has just started? In a typical episode of Survivor, someone pulling crazy stunts like that would be the number one target to evict off the island. But as I said, 20 minutes into this episode and any Survivor fan can tell this is not a typical season. So with that in mind, of course no one on Alan’s tribe thinks he’s crazy and no one has the intention to get rid of him?? Because they all want to work with a man with crazy eyes who has severe trust issues. He might be on the wrong show.

Things only get better. At the immunity challenge, the Heroes are sucking ass and come in dead last. So at this point the Hustlers and Healers tribes don’t really exist since no drama is happening with them. And after the Heroes lose, tribe member Chrissy vomits in front of everyone and then lays down next to it??? Is no one on this show going to address that??

As I mentioned, this episode is primarily focused on days one-three. Yet go-getter Ryan from the Hustlers tribe, who has found a special hidden immunity idol, has the brilliant idea to give someone on the Heroes tribe an idol to “shake things up”??? Usually, in order to shake things up, things have to actually be happening. Less than two days ago you were sipping margaritas on the damn beach, Ryan. There is nothing to “shake up” at this point. In his defense, this idol is different than the others. Usually idols must be played after the votes have been written, but before they are read. This idol is specifically intended for the first Tribal Council ONLY, can be used AFTER the votes have been read, and since Ryan’s Hustler tribe won immunity, he must give it to a member of the losing Heroes tribe.

Remember Chrissy, the woman who vomited at the immunity challenge? Yeah, for some reason Ryan secretly gave this idol to her.

Jump forward to the first Tribal Council: the Heroes tribe is already a wreck and no one seems to know how the vote will go. Chrissy and Katrina are seen as outsiders for not being in the “core four” alliance of Alan, JP, JP’s potential romantic interest Ashley (do these people not realize this isn’t The Bachelor??), and Ben. Alan mentions how he is scared JP and Ashley are becoming a power couple on day three of this game because clearly he doesn’t know how to play Survivor.

Long story short, Katrina is the first one voted out in a 5-1 vote. Come on, Chrissy! You got a once in a lifetime special hidden immunity idol and you don’t even use it, even though she was in your two-person alliance and it could’ve saved your ass down the line?? Disappointing.

So on that note, make sure you have some popcorn for episode two, because at the rate this is going, this season of Survivor is going to be a wild one.

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