Munsch is a cannibal and Jess canvasses for Hillary—Tuesday Night Roundup

brick_pooped_himself
Illustration by Mya Carmichael

Tuesday night saw the continuation of a few network comedy favorites which, despite my written schedule, did not include the season premiere of ABC’s The Middle (as you can tell by the night’s illustration). The primetime lineup did, however, include FOX’s Scream Queens and New Girl with both episodes centering around terrifying subjects; serial murder and the 2016 Presidential Election.

The second episode of this season’s SQ picked up with a terrified Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin) recounting the story of “Werewolf Girl” (Cecily Strong)’s decapitation by the “Green Meanie” (I’d rather call it the Swamp Monster because I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s supposed to be). Much to nobody’s surprise, Chanel #5’s story isn’t believed by anyone, including her two cohorts Chanel and #3. Damn Ryan Murphy! Back at it again with the well-executed parody of classic horror tropes!

Anyway, things take an interesting turn when an unnecessary love interest is thrown into the mix; a guy named Tyler (or Ryan? Chad? It was something really white, I know that much) who suffers from a skin mutation. And because this character was pretty pointless, I’m going to spoil his fate: he’s killed by the Swamp Monster while receiving a laser removal surgery. Chanel #5’s world is crushed. 80’s music plays.

The most important parts of the episode are headlined by Zayday (KeKe Palmer), the only character with common sense, searching for clues to tie together her theory that Munsch only opened C.U.R.E. (the hospital) to get all the people from the last murder mystery together in order to off them one by one. Accompanied by Chamberlain, a candy striper who is way too old to be candy striper, she’s able to get her hands on a few old records that unearth a Halloween bloodbath that took place at the hospital in 1986, years before Munsch bought it.

Backtracking a bit, Uncle Jesse (Dr. Holt) took Chanel on a movie date during which he groped her chest and stole an innocent movie-watcher’s Twizzlers. What did this scene tell us? That Holt actually has no control over his implanted hand and could very well be a person of interest when it comes to the Swamp Monster murders. It also tells us that a hand transplant is a viable excuse to act haphazardly (not telling you to use that excuse…but I’m not not telling you either).

The real MVP of this episode, in my opinion, is Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) for her golden one liners. This one was my favorite:

“From now on, when someone’s just fought off the killer and they’re about to reach down and pull off the mask and find out who it is; not the time to distract them with a bunch of questions”

That was said after her encounter with the Swamp Monster, ending with the killer making a narrow escape down the elevator in .2 seconds, right under her nose, without making the slightest bit of noise until they were gone. This is why I love Scream Queens; the closest you can get to real life encounters with serial murderers.

The rest of the episode includes features from Special Agent Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash), who was enlisted by Munsch to help catch the killer and Kirstie Alley (Ingrid), who spent the whole episode popping pills and eavesdropping. It was Denise’s idea to visit Hester in the insane asylum to get some clues about who the killer might be (and of course, it proved unsuccessful).

Perhaps the most important discovery made last night was that Munsch opened C.U.R.E. not for the sake of killing the Chanels, but because she has been ailing from an unknown disease. At the end of the episode, it is revealed by Zayday that the disease was actually contracted by Munsch during a trip to Papua New Guinea in which she accidentally ate some (delicious) human brains at a feast (that turned out to be a funeral). She should have stuck with Activia.

As for New Girl? I’ve comprised a list of everything you need to know about the episode:

-Schmidt is waiting on Paul Ryan 2020

-Jess was just as annoying as a child

-Nick hates talking on the phone

-Meredith Palmer from the office is voting for Hillary

-Winston enjoys the long D

-Sorors love Trump

If you enjoyed Tuesday night’s primetime comedy be sure to come back every week for a recap and a page full of spoilers!

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Emma has the shakes, Olivia returns and Jon Hamm dies—Sunday Night Roundup

jafar_pooped_himself
Illustration by Mya Carmichael

Tonight’s network primetime line-up featured the season premiere of ABC’s Once Upon A Time, plus the season openers of FOX’s Family Guy and Last Man on Earth. Fun fact: I didn’t finish “catch-up-binging” Once or Last Man, so following the events of these two episodes tonight was extra enjoyable. That also means that I may not be able to connect a few previous events to the latest occurrences on the shows, so keep reading for some fun stuff!

Tonight’s episode of OUAT began with a helpful flashback of Jafar zapping the hell out of someone while gunning it on a magic carpet (I thought that belonged to Aladdin though…am I missing something?). After reducing an innocent man to complete ash using his creepy snake staff, Jafar delivers a long, defensive rant to Aladdin, who he refers to as a “savior.” In short, Jafar basically ensures Aladdin that his life will be miserable just like all the other saviors before him (could this be tied to Emma? Place your bet in the comment section). Jafar makes his badass exit as the camera zooms in on Aladdin’s trembling hands (this is a clue!).

Back in Storybrooke, Emma (Jennifer Morrison) and Hook are dry humping each other on a couch. And because the director hates you, the scene is cut short by the disruptive shaking caused by a big ass blimp (or is it that ship thing from the Disney Atlantis cartoon?). Emma and Hook join the rest of the townspeople just in time to witness Mr. Hyde say something douchey and then something profound:

“Nothing more dangerous than an untold story…and the people who don’t want them told.”

True to the annoying cryptic nature of anything said on network TV, Hyde pretty much leaves it at that before running away. He is later caught and locked up, but not before Emma begins to violently shake during what seems like a flashback (her shakes are similar to Aladdin’s…).

Meanwhile, Rumple is trying his damnedest to awaken Belle out of her sleep. She, of course, caused this sleep as a way to protect her and her unborn child from the previous season’s dangers in Storybrooke. While in her dream, Rumple realizes a few things: Belle still dreams of him as his former monstrous self, ballroom dancing can make your evil castle look pretty, and also that his unborn son hates him. To save you the details, Belle is awakened but totally still mad at Rumple for being an ass last season (and all because her unborn son, who they both met while in her dream, told her to stay the hell away from him for her safety).

As for the rest of the episode: a weird blond girl in the forest tells Emma she’s going to die (and that her shaking flashbacks are actually psychic visions into the future), Regina blames Zelena for Robin’s death (but is still keeping up a pretty clean, refined image), and the Evil Queen (a separate and seemingly useless copy of Regina) has returned with apple martinis. Hooray.

Family Guy opened on a nice tribute to Gene Wilder; one that made reference to unwanted sexual exchanges in the Great Glass Elevator. However, it was a song played during a horrifying Wiggles parody that pushed Stewie to begin his music career; writing and performing songs that deal with real baby issues like prenatal alcoholism and “mommy daddy wrestle match sounds.”

Stewie and Brian’s music duo, “Red Shirt, Blue Shirt” was short lived, however, with the reintroduction of Stewie’s theatre class ex, Olivia. Olivia, being the sociopath she is, kickstarts a plan to boot Stewie from his own group and eventually take the whole show over for herself. It works, of course, and in the end she takes center stage along with Vinny, the dog who should have never existed on Family Guy, ever (if you remember, he replaced Brian for a short time after his death). Oh yeah, and this week’s B-story followed Chris’s job as Quagmire’s assistant, handling the technical side of the neighborhood perv’s sexual endeavors. There was also a Kirstie Alley Cheers joke.

Last, but definitely least in my opinion, Last Man on Earth premiered its third season by killing Jon Hamm in a hazmat suit; because Melissa apparently has not learned her lesson about using firearms. With both Erica and Carol now pregnant, the group of “last people” are now daunted with the task of carefully selecting who is safe/worthy enough to live amongst them. Naturally, they choose to let the two remaining hazmat strangers, Louis and Pat, stay with them.

The most memorable quote was delivered by Carol (Kristen Schaal) and it goes:

“Eyebrows are the curtains to the windows to the soul of the face.”

So there you have it. Also, Pat turned out to be crazy, as most regular viewers of the show already knew. After seeing a picture of the dearly departed Mike (Jason Sudeikis) on the ledge, he goes completely psycho and holds everyone at gun point. The episode ends with them all making a run for it and then, a (drive for it? They ended up in a car, okay.)

And that was Sunday night! What have we learned? If you see someone with a bad case of the shakes, don’t automatically think “crackhead”; instead, think “savior psychic.” Also, eyebrows are important.

Don’t forget to click back over tomorrow for Monday’s recap roundup!

 

 

WTF is a Scrippling?

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Illustration by Mya Carmichael

Welcome readers! I thank all of you (whether you were looking for this blog or, like most, you ended up here by accidentally misspelling the name of a much better site) for clicking on by! Though introductions have never really been my strong suit, I’ve decided to take a break from licking the bottom of my chip bag to write an entire post dedicated to cutting the figurative ribbon at our front page. Before the real cool stuff begins, I’ll explain why I decided to start this blog in the first place:

Last September, at the beginning of my freshman year of college, I decided to take a huge leap out of my comfort zone and audition for my school’s sketch comedy troop; not because I wanted to act, but because I really wanted to write. I figured that the show would be a great environment for me, not only to learn the art of writing comedy, but to also become familiar with working closely with actors. To put it lightly, the audition process was exhausting. Going in, I knew my biggest weakness would be my lack of delivery skills; I can conceive one hell of a joke in my mind, but vocalizing it with the right timing and inflection…for me that was a totally different story.

Fortunately, I did way better during the audition process than I thought I would. For the first time, improvisational acting didn’t seem half as scary as I’d always imagined it. The real victory, however, was making it to callbacks; that meant I would get the chance to write my own sketch and present it to the cast members (which was still a terrifying idea in its own right). To make a long, Oscar-worthy story short, I came, I saw, I didn’t make it in.

A few days after my rejection, I decided that there had to be some other way to practice my writing in a way that was resume-worthy. That’s when I made the decision to do something wonderfully unoriginal; to start a TV blog with little web experience and no guaranteed following whatsoever (still, I spent 70 bucks on this layout so I kind of need this thing to stick).

And that, my friends and reluctant visitors, is why Scrippling is a website domain and not just a spellcheck nightmare (although my computer keeps insisting that I meant to type “stripping.com” instead of Scrippling. Do not go to stripping.com). My unhealthy interest in television has finally taken a productive form! Though it’s next to impossible for me to cover all the shows I want to this year, I’ve set some pretty good ones aside that I will be following weekly; among the herd are Blackish, Once Upon A Time, and Scream Queens so in other words, I drew names from a hat and I’m only sort of disappointed. Only sort of.

If you’d like to keep up with what becomes of this blog, come back every night Monday through Friday, starting September 25th, for that stuff I promised on the About page. Until then, [sign-off catch phrase only available with Premium. Please pay Donovan directly].